Storytime with Rachel F Hundred

‘I love you too.’ Daniel Jackson murmured the words, his fingers brushing his wife’s face.

Sha’re’s body was warm. His heart lurched.

He could pretend. He could pretend that they were curled up in their old tent on Abydos and that she was only sleeping. His hand curled over her arm. His fingers rubbed against the soft skin.

Only sleeping.

He blocked out the worried voices around him; he didn’t want to deal with his team-mates; didn’t want to hear their sympathy, see their compassion or their pity. Tears stung his eyes and threatened to fall. He closed his eyes, oblivious to the moisture that leaked out and tracked down his face.

Daniel breathed in Sha’re’s scent; not the heavy perfume of Ammonet but underneath, the unique scent of his wife’s skin. He wondered briefly if it would taste like the salty sweetness of the desert she had been raised upon, like he remembered.

The memory of their first meeting flooded his mind, sharp and clear…she had brought him water and he had looked into her eyes while he drank, his gaze roaming across her face.

Beauty.

He would be lying if he did not admit it had been the first thing he had noticed about her. She had been covered from head to toe in the dusty, hard-wearing linen robes of the Abydonians yet he had never been as attracted to a woman before nor thought any woman as beautiful. He had sneaked looks at her all the way back to the settlement. He had never imagined she would be interested in him; could never have imagined that she would be given to him as a gift. The red veil she had worn teased at his memory; the way she had shyly slid the dress down her body. His own fumbling attempts to stop her came back to him along with his abortive attempt to remove her from the tent. He had been clueless. He smiled as his fingers tightened on her arm. Despite his rejection of her, she had taken him to the ruins, shown him the writing and taught him Abydonian. She had been their saviour.

Brave.

She had revealed to him the secrets Ra had wanted hidden; the rebellion on Earth so long before; the enslavement of the Abydonians. There in the ruins they had found the cartouche with the address to take them back to Earth, incomplete as the seventh symbol had been worn away. Jack O’Neill, in full military mode, had ordered them back to the pyramid and Daniel had left her but when they had been captured, she and Skaara had rescued them from Ra. He remembered the caves where they had hidden, huddled together after the minor victory. It had been Sha’re who had seen Jack’s pain long before Daniel had understood it.

Compassionate.

It had been Sha’re, Daniel recalled sadly, who had encouraged him to go after Jack when the military man had disappeared into an isolated cave; to speak with him. He is your friend. Her words drifted through his mind. She had recognised the tenuous bond between the two men, long before they themselves had spoken of friendship. He knew he would have reached out to Jack eventually but he also knew he had done it sooner because of her. He wondered if Sha’re had ever understood that she had pushed their fledging bond a step further toward friendship.

It had been on Daniel’s return from that discussion with Jack that he had learned the truth about the nature of the gift Kasuf had given him in Sha’re when the kids teased him for doing the work of a wife and not of a husband.

‘Married?’ He stepped into the private area where Sha’rewas preparing food and asked in Abydonian. He couldn’t believe that she would want to marry him.

‘Do not be angry. I did not tell them.’ Sha’re had responded. She had tried so hard to be brave about it; for her hurt not to show.

‘Tell them what?’ Daniel asked gently.

‘That you did not want me.’ Sha’re admitted unhappily.

It had undone him. How could she think he didn’t want her?

Vulnerable.

He had taken her face in his hands and kissed her. It had been sweet and passionate. They had heard the cover fall over the opening to their cave; privacy to consummate their marriage. It might have bothered him that the others were on the other side of the thin blanket but somehow he had instinctively known that they wouldn’t be disturbed; that Skaara would stand guard for them.

She had been a pure gift for the God they thought had visited them. Daniel had known first times as a couple were awkward, never mind the first experience of sex. She had been hesitant but curious and he had guided her. He hoped he had made it special for her as he had made her his lover; his love.

Loving.

For the first time in his life, lying in Sha’re’s arms, he had felt he was loved, wholly and truly. And he had loved her. Somehow, somewhere in that brief time together, he had truly fallen in love with her. When she had died in his arms after taking the staff blast to save him, he had distraught and determined to save her. He had carried her to the sarcophagus and it had healed her as it had him. She had returned to him and he had promised himself he would never let her go again.

He opened his blue eyes again and gazed at Sha’re. But he had let her go. She had died again and he couldn’t save her. He had no sarcophagus; no way to bring her back to him. She was gone.

His heart clenched tightly and for a long moment he couldn’t breathe; didn’t want to. His world went dark; her face etched into his mind’s eye. He clung to one thought as he gave into the blackness tugging at him…she was only sleeping.

Only sleeping.

o-O-o

He hated the infirmary. Daniel curled up and stared at the wall, scowling. His eyes were dry and sore; his throat felt scraped raw. He wanted to go home. He wanted to get out of the damn mountain and go home; lock the door and shut away the world. There were too many people around him; too many voices speaking in hushed tones. The faint memory of the days that had followed his parents’ deaths swept over him and he shuddered.

‘Daniel?’

Janet Fraiser’s voice had him tensing subtly. ‘I want to go home.’ Daniel insisted without turning to look at her.

‘You were subjected to the hand device for a long time, Daniel,’ Janet tried to soothe him, ‘and with the experience you had, we need to keep you here for some more tests.’

Daniel moved suddenly. He turned over and shoved the hospital table away. It skidded across the floor towards the doctor who took a hesitant step back.

‘Daniel?’ Janet’s eyes sought the watching Jaffa in the corner of the room and pleaded with him silently for help.

‘No more tests. You’ve done enough already. I’m leaving.’ Daniel snarled. Some part of him cringed at his cruel tone but he ignored it, desperate to get away. He flung the covers back.

‘I do not believe that to be wise, Daniel Jackson.’ Teal’c moved out of the shadows. He gazed with concern at the agitation of the other man; the high colour that flooded Daniel’s pale face.

‘Well, you know what, Teal’c?’ Daniel snapped angrily, his blue eyes blazing with unbridled fury. ‘I don’t care what you think.’ He got out of the bed.

His legs wouldn’t hold him; they crumpled beneath him like they were tissue paper. Janet moved swiftly but Teal’c was faster. He caught Daniel before he could fall. He picked him up as though he was a small child and placed him back in the bed.

‘I’ll give him a sedative.’ Janet said quietly.

‘I don’t want a sedative.’ Daniel yelled, feeling helpless. ‘I want to go home. Let me go home.’ The last came out as a sob.

‘What’s going on?’ Jack O’Neill asked, bemused at the scene in front of him.

‘I want to go home. I’ve been here two days already.’ Daniel repeated. He stared hopefully at Jack and at the blonde Air Force officer next to him. ‘Please, Jack. Get me out of here.’

‘He’s still feeling the effects of the hand device, Colonel.’ Janet replied; her voice and hands were not quite steady as she filled a syringe. ‘I need to sedate him.’

‘I don’t want to be sedated and stop talking about me as if I’m not here!’ Daniel glared at her.

‘Daniel, you’re not thinking sensibly.’ Janet tried to placate him. ‘You’re distraught and…’

‘Of course, I’m distraught.’ Daniel bit out. ‘My wife just died!’

There was a stunned silence.

Daniel closed his eyes on their shocked faces and turned away from them all, hiding his face in the pillow.

‘Doc, can I have a word?’ Jack said authoratively.

‘As soon as I give him this.’ Janet replied, taking a step towards Daniel’s bed.

Daniel didn’t move. He didn’t care anymore if she sedated him; let her send her back to unconsciousness where he didn’t have to feel or remember that Sha’re was gone.

‘Now, Doc.’ Jack rarely pulled rank, and technically he couldn’t on matters of a medical nature, but there was no denying the order in his clipped words.

Daniel dimly heard the sound of fading footsteps as Jack took Janet outside into the corridor. He opened his eyes warily and saw Sam must have gone with them. Teal’c hovered by the bed. ‘You can go, Teal’c. I don’t need a guard dog.’ He said bitterly.

‘I am concerned for your well-being.’ Teal’c replied quietly.

‘Maybe you should have thought of that before you killed Sha’re.’ The words had left him before he could recall them back. He closed his eyes briefly before he reopened them wearily. ‘I didn’t mean that.’

Teal’c bowed his head. ‘I do not blame you for your anger, Daniel Jackson. In your place…’ his voice trailed away.

‘You did the right thing.’ Daniel repeated dully. He wondered if he would ever say it and mean it like he had done in the dream Sha’re had given him through the hand device.

The returning footsteps prevented Teal’c from replying.

‘OK,’ Janet said, reaching for the clipboard on the end of his bed, ‘I’m going to release you into Colonel’s O’Neill’s care but I want this noted it was against my medical advice.’

Daniel nodded tiredly. His eyes caught Jack’s. ‘Thank you.’

‘Don’t thank me yet.’ Jack said. ‘You haven’t heard the conditions.’

‘Anything.’ Daniel muttered, not caring so long as he got out of the infirmary and the mountain. ‘I just want to go home.’

‘We’ll take you home,’ Jack agreed, ‘but one of us will be with you at all times.’

‘OK.’ Daniel agreed readily. He figured he could convince Jack to leave as soon as the other man dropped him off.

‘And you’ll stay in bed.’ Jack added. ‘Janet says your whole body’s still weak from that hand thing.’

‘OK.’ Daniel didn’t argue about that one; bed was where he wanted to be, curled up under the covers where he could hide and pretend his world hadn’t fallen apart.

‘And you’ll eat.’ Jack continued relentlessly, his brown eyes pinning Daniel’s.

‘Fine.’ Daniel said tightly. Just because he had refused the crap the infirmary had served up.

‘OK.’ Jack sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets. ‘Let’s get you out of here.’

Just over an hour later, Daniel was wheeled into his apartment by Jack. Sam preceded them through the small hallway and into the bedroom. She had the bed turned down and was waiting to help Jack transfer Daniel when the Colonel wheeled the archaeologist to a halt. It took a few minutes to get him situated.

Jack stepped back. ‘OK. I have to head back to the base. I’ll leave you and Sam to it.’

Daniel’s heart sank. He might have convinced Jack to leave him alone; he had no chance with Sam.

The woman in question gave Daniel a small smile. ‘I’ll be right back.’ She followed Jack out into the hallway.

He strained to hear their conversation.

‘You’ll be OK until I get back?’ Jack was asking Sam quietly.

‘Sure.’

‘You don’t sound sure.’ Jack commented.

Daniel had to agree with Jack. Sam sounded very uncertain.

‘I don’t know what to say to him, sir.’ Sam blurted out.

There was a pause.

‘I’m probably the worst person to ask for advice here, Carter.’ Jack sighed.

Another silence.

‘C’mere.’ Jack said.

Daniel shuffled across the bed and peeked through the small gap of the partially closed door. Jack was hugging Sam; their arms were wrapped around each other.

A wave of envy rushed through Daniel as he collapsed back. He would never hug Sha’re again like that. He would never hold her in his arms again and comfort her in the way Jack was comforting Sam. He would never have the opportunity to reassure her and chase away her fears. His chest tightened on a rush of pain.

‘Daniel?’ Sam’s tentative use of his name had him opening his eyes again.

‘What?’ Daniel snapped.

‘Can I get you anything?’ Sam asked.

He turned away from her and curled into a foetal position. ‘You could leave.’

The strained silence had Daniel closing his eyes in regret.

‘I’ll just be outside if you need anything.’ Sam said quietly, not quite managing to hide her hurt.

Daniel was pleased when he heard the door click shut behind her. Tears tracked hotly down his cheeks and soaked into the pillow. He pulled the covers up over his head and cried silently. It was dark when he woke. His eyes blinked furiously trying to adjust to the shadows. He fumbled with the light and sat up. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and stared at his bedroom. It felt like the wrong room. He had moved in his dream into an apartment he had viewed a few weeks before but decided against. Maybe he would move, Daniel thought whimsically. The apartment he was in no longer felt like it was home and maybe the other place where he had imagined Sha’re; maybe that would be better.

There was a soft knock and Sam popped her head around the door. ‘Hey.’

‘Hey.’ Daniel replied. He frowned as his body made its needs known. ‘I need to go, uh…’ he waved at the bathroom.

Sam crossed the room and helped Daniel from the bed. She waited outside until he was finished and cleaned up. He was weak and grateful for the help as she manoeuvred him back into bed.

‘I’ll get you some soup.’ Sam said, hurrying from the room. She came back with a tray. She placed it on his lap and he stared at the bowl of soup and thick sliced bread without enthusiasm.

‘You need to eat.’ Sam chided him.

Daniel gave a small smile and picked up the spoon. She started to leave. ‘Sam?’

She turned in the doorway.

‘Stay.’ Daniel said.

She made her way back into the room and he shifted, slopping the soup a little as he made a space for her to sit on the bed beside him.

He stirred the spoon and took a sip. He swallowed with difficulty. ‘I’m sorry about before.’

‘It’s OK.’ Sam said gently. She reached out and touched his arm.

‘It’s not.’ Daniel said. ‘It’s just…’ he stirred the soup again, ‘I can’t believe she’s gone.’

‘You’ve been through a lot, Daniel.’ Sam comforted him.

‘You believe me about the dream Sha’re sent me through the hand device?’ Daniel asked hopefully.

Sam hesitated but nodded eventually. ‘There is an element of mind control with the device. I think it’s possible.’

‘It was so real.’ Daniel commented. He shook his head slightly and ate another spoonful of soup listlessly. ‘I bought a new apartment.’

‘You did?’ Sam asked shocked.

‘In the dream.’ Daniel explained.

‘Oh.’

‘It was so real. All of it; her dying, leaving the programme, the funeral…I felt like she died and I missed her, I grieved for her.’ Daniel’s voice broke and he pushed the tray away to the other side of the bed. ‘So, why does it hurt so much more now?’

‘Because this is real.’ Sam said softly.

‘I don’t want it to be real.’ Daniel whispered.

She leaned across the bed and hugged him. He hugged her back hard as he started to sob.

‘I just want her back.’ Daniel said, gasping. ‘I’d give anything to have her back; anything.’

‘I know, Daniel.’ Sam’s voice was thick with her own tears.

‘I just want her back and I don’t want this to be real.’ He repeated as she rocked him. ‘I don’t want it to be real.’

o-O-o

Jack made his way down the empty corridor until he reached Teal’c’s quarters and knocked on the door.

The Jaffa took a long time to answer the summons and, when he eventually filled the doorway, his face gave the Colonel no encouragement.

‘Teal’c.’ Jack greeted him solemnly.

Teal’c turned and headed back into the small room. It was ablaze with the candles he had lit; their glow softening the harsh uncompromising military colour of the walls.

Jack stepped in and closed the door behind him. The Jaffa had his back to him; the wide shoulders straight as always. Teal’c was usually very self-contained but Jack could see that the events of the past couple of days had rocked him. He had no idea what to say to his friend anymore than Sam had known what to say to Daniel.

He cleared his throat, aware the silence had continued a little too long. ‘I’m heading back to Daniel’s. I thought you might want to come with me.’

‘I do not think Daniel Jackson will appreciate my presence in his home.’ Teal’c stated sadly.

‘He’ll be fine,’ Jack began.

‘He will not.’ The harsh words rushed from Teal’c unbidden. Teal’c drew in a long breath and stared at the flickering flame in front of him. ‘I killed his wife.’

‘You killed Ammonet,’ Jack shot back, ‘you killed the Goa’uld.’

‘I do not think Daniel Jackson sees it that way.’

Jack sighed. He couldn’t argue with that. He sat down on the bed and leaned forward; his hands clasped lightly together. ‘You did the right thing.’

‘I should have found another way.’ Teal’c insisted.

‘I would have done the same thing.’ Jack tried another tack. ‘She was killing Daniel.’

Teal’c didn’t reply and Jack searched for the words he needed to comfort his friend. He wondered what anyone could say to relieve the guilt and pain of what had happened; all of Daniel’s hope for Sha’re shattered and all of Teal’c’s own hope to make up for his part in Sha’re’s fate obliterated with a single shot. He knew there was no easy way; that it was too complicated and too messy to put to rest over a beer or with a few clichéd words.

Jack stood up slowly and rocked back on his heels as he shoved his hands in his pockets. ‘Do you believe Daniel’s story?’

Teal’c turned around finally and raised an eyebrow inquisitively.

‘The whole message through the hand device thing.’ Jack clarified.

‘I am uncertain.’ Teal’c admitted, adjusting his stance, a faint hint of gratitude in his dark eyes that Jack had changed the subject. ‘Some who have been tortured claim to experience their darkest nightmares revisited.’

‘So, it could have happened?’ Jack pressed.

‘Perhaps.’ Teal’c allowed, wanting desperately to accept Daniel’s report of what had happened to him.

‘But?’ Jack said. ‘There is a but, isn’t there?’

‘I cannot understand how Sha’re was able to overcome Ammonet to send the message.’ Teal’c admitted.

‘Maybe she sneaked in undetected.’ Jack suggested.

Teal’c looked at him knowingly.

‘Yeah,’ Jack sighed heavily, ‘I don’t believe that either.’ He leaned back against the desk. ‘Which brings up why Ammonet would allow Sha’re to give Daniel a message about the kid?’

‘Did Daniel Jackson not say that it appeared Sha’re was pulled away when she first told him to save the child?’ Teal’c said.

Jack pulled a face.

‘The child is a harcesis.’ Teal’c murmured. ‘It contains all the secrets of the Goa’uld.’

‘But if you were Ammonet, why tell Daniel where he was?’ Jack asked. ‘It doesn’t make any sense.’

‘Maybe she hoped to trick us.’ Teal’c frowned. ‘She would not have anticipated her Jaffa allowing her to be killed or being unable to retrieve her body for resurrection in the sarcophagus.’

‘Maybe.’ Jack said. He shook his head. ‘Something doesn’t add up.’

‘Indeed.’ Teal’c agreed.

Jack shifted restlessly. ‘I should…’ he gestured awkwardly at the door.

Teal’c inclined his head.

Jack hesitated as he opened the door. He turned back. ‘Teal’c…’

‘It is Daniel Jackson who requires your care, O’Neill.’ Teal’c said brusquely. ‘I will be fine.’

Jack held Teal’c’s eyes solemnly while he wondered whether to call his friend on the blatant lie. He tapped the door and nodded once before he left the Jaffa alone.

o-O-o

The sun was warm on Jack’s back. It soaked through the heavy blue material of his formal dress and he could feel the once crisp linen of his white shirt sticking to his moist skin. He ignored the discomfort and kept his eyes forward. The grave was ahead of them; Sha’re’s mummified form already placed within the dusty hole. Kasuf stood at the head of the opening, chanting an Abydonian prayer with the rest of his clan gathered around the grave; wailing and weeping. A respectful distance away, the rest of Kasuf’s people stood watching the funeral of their leader’s daughter.

Jack glanced to his right where Daniel stood. The archaeologist had barely spoken since Jack had told him of the funeral arrangements and Kasuf’s invitation that Daniel and the rest of SG1 attend. Daniel was dressed in Abydonian robes; a mark of respect to Kasuf and Sha’re; he was there as her husband not as a visitor from Earth. Sam shifted beside him and he glanced at her, resplendent in her own service blues. She was looking worriedly at the Jaffa stood stoically beside her; Teal’c had opted for a similar dress to the Abydonians; long robes that seemed incongruous with his fierce expression.

Teal’c had been coaxed into attending; only acquiescing when Daniel had asked him directly. Jack knew Daniel had only issued the invitation because Kasuf had requested Teal’c’s presence. Despite Daniel’s assurances that he knew Teal’c had done the right thing, Jack could see the gaping crack in their relationship. Both men were hurting. He was going to have to address it before it broke the team apart but Jack knew the timing wasn’t right.

Kasuf stopped abruptly and waved Daniel forward. Daniel moved slowly; one step and then another to bring him flush with the ancient scales on the small table beside the grave. He knelt to speak to the small statue of the God.

‘I speak for Sha’re who can no longer speak for herself.’ Daniel repeated the words in Abydonian.

Jack felt a shiver down his spine despite the heat.

‘I have spoken no lies nor acted with deceit.’ Daniel continued, speaking clearly, his words carrying in the still air. ‘I was once possessed by a demon who did these things against my will.’

Daniel paused and Jack could see his eyes were bright with tears; the younger man was struggling to continue. Jack moved forward without hesitation and placed a hand on Daniel’s shoulder; Sam and Teal’c followed him, their hands coming to rest on Daniel’s other shoulder; all of them silently supporting him.

Daniel took a shaky breath. ‘The demon is gone and now I am without sin.’ His voice was thick with unshed tears but he repeated the words faithfully into Abydonian. ‘Grant me a place in your blessed dwelling.’

Kasuf placed a feather into Daniel’s outstretched hand and Daniel reverently placed it onto the scales. ‘If my heart weighs more than a feather my soul still contains sin; if not, may my soul join the God.’

Daniel looked up to the endless blue sky. ‘By the trial of the great scales, thy heart is light; thy soul has been found true.’

Sha’re’s father completed the ceremony and the Abydonians began to make their way back to the main structure of their dwelling. There would be a feast lasting for days; a celebration of Sha’re’s life.

‘You will stay for the feast?’ Kasuf took a hesitant step towards SG1.

‘Yes, Good Father.’ Daniel got to his feet, dislodging the hands of his team-mates.

‘I’ll be staying too.’ Jack added. He ignored Daniel’s look of shock. ‘But I’m afraid Major Carter and Teal’c have duties that require them to return to Earth. ‘

‘Of course.’ Kasuf agreed.

‘It was a beautiful ceremony.’ Sam offered politely.

‘Thank you for attending.’ Kasuf nodded awkwardly at her before his dark eyes slid to the Jaffa. ‘Both of you.’

Teal’c bowed his head. ‘I am honoured by your invitation.’

Kasuf reached out and grabbed Teal’c’s arm. ‘Thank you for freeing my daughter from the demon.’ He hurried away before Teal’c could respond, leaving the Jaffa staring after him.

Jack saw the mask Teal’c had constructed crumble. For an instant, deep and endless pain shone out from the dark eyes before Teal’c could hide it again.

Daniel was oblivious; his blue eyes hadn’t moved from the grave. ‘I’d like some time alone.’ He choked out.

‘We should head back.’ Sam said. She moved forward and hugged Daniel. ‘We’ll see you soon.’

Teal’c bowed and Daniel acknowledged the Jaffa’s gesture with a curt nod.

‘I’ll see you back.’ Jack said. He patted Daniel’s shoulder and fell into step beside Sam as they headed back to a tent to pick up their belongings. They changed from the formal outfits into the more functional BDUs for their hike back to the pyramid. The walk across the sands in the heat sapped their energy and they made the journey in silence. The cool of the pyramid was a relief.

‘So, I’ll see you kids in a few days.’ Jack commented as the wormhole to Earth settled into the middle of the Stargate. He took his cap off and rubbed a hand through his damp silver hair.

Teal’c nodded briskly and walked through.

Sam hesitated. ‘I didn’t realise you’d be staying, sir.’

Jack shrugged. ‘I cleared it with Hammond before we left. I’ll be back in a few days.’

Sam nodded briskly. ‘I’ll see you then, sir.’ She turned away and headed up the steps.

‘Carter.’

Sam turned back and smiled sadly. ‘I’ll take care of Teal’c, sir.’ She disappeared into the blue puddle before Jack could do anything more than wonder that she had read his mind.

o-O-o

Sam was prepared to admit that her promise to the Colonel to look after Teal’c didn’t get off to a good start. After her shower and change, she had gone searching for the Jaffa. Half an hour later, she was wondering how someone the size of Teal’c could possibly go missing in the mountain. She’d checked his usual haunts; the gym, the commissary and his quarters. He wasn’t anywhere she expected him to be and she was running out of options. She finally decided to try the top of the mountain where the team sometimes went to watch a sunset; it was one of the few places Teal’c was allowed to go outside the confines of the base without an escort. She took the elevator to the top and opened the door to the outside.

‘Have you seen…’ she began.

‘Teal’c, ma’am.’ The SF pointed across the grass and she saw Teal’c sitting on a rock nearby, his back to them.

‘Thank you.’ She made her way across quietly but didn’t try to mask her approach.

Teal’c looked over at her as she sat down beside her. ‘Major Carter.’ He stood up. ‘I thought you intended to run experiments on your return.’

‘Actually,’ Sam said quietly, ‘I was just looking for you.’

He raised an eyebrow in silent inquiry.

‘I wanted to see if you were OK after…everything.’ Sam expanded, discouraged at the sight of his stern face. For a long moment, she didn’t think he was going to answer her.

‘I am fine, Major Carter.’ He turned his face away, gazing at the darkening sky.

She barely noticed the cacophony of colour cascading through the clouds; her attention was solely focused on Teal’c. She pressed her lips together nervously. ‘Teal’c, you know how much I hate being told I need to talk to someone when I need to talk to someone, and how I prefer dealing with stuff on my own, and I know you’re the same, but you’ve been there for me so many times…’ Sam sighed and took a deep breath. ‘I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you would like to talk…’ she laid a hand on his arm briefly, ‘I’ll be in my lab.’

Sam got up slowly, hoping he would stop her but he kept watching the sunset and she nodded to herself understandingly. ‘OK then.’ She murmured softly under her breath. She walked away from him and headed down to the lab a sense of failure weighing down each step she took away from him. She entered her lab and looked around at her equipment with little enthusiasm before she pushed up her sleeves and began to work.

The precise experiments managed to take her mind off Teal’c and Daniel for a while but as she waited for the last of the results, she couldn’t help thinking about them again. She hoped the Colonel had fared better at looking after Daniel than she had with Teal’c. The machine beeped and she carefully recorded the last reading. She was done. She glanced at her watch. It was past midnight and she needed sleep. She turned the scanning machine off and stood up, arching her back to relieve the kinks and strains from sitting for so long. She turned toward the door and froze.

Teal’c stood in the doorway. She had never seen him look so uncertain.

‘Teal’c.’

‘If I am intruding…’ Teal’c began awkwardly.

‘No,’ Sam immediately denied, ‘I’d just finished.’ She waved him in.

He closed the door behind him and walked over to where she stood. ‘I regret that I did not inform you of my true feelings when you inquired earlier, Major Carter.’ He clasped his hands behind his back.

‘Oh?’ Sam tried to look encouraging.

A muscle worked in his jaw as he struggled to reveal his feelings. ‘I am not fine.’

Sam nodded and waited, sensing he wasn’t finished.

‘It is not the way of the Jaffa to talk about such matters.’ Teal’c continued. ‘I killed the wife of Daniel Jackson and it is a burden I must bear.’

‘You don’t have to bear it alone, Teal’c.’ Sam said gently, her eyes warm and compassionate on his. ‘We’re a team; that hasn’t changed.’

His eyes widened at her words and she suddenly realised that she had hit upon his greatest fear; that his act had torn their team apart; that he wouldn’t be welcome as a member of SG1 anymore.

‘You know that, right?’ Sam checked.

His gaze dropped from hers. ‘Daniel Jackson may not be able to forgive me this transgression against him.’ His words were spoken so quietly she struggled to hear them.

‘Daniel will forgive you, Teal’c.’ She assured him. ‘It may take time but if anyone can, it’s Daniel.’

He nodded slowly. ‘I hope you are right, Major Carter.’

‘I know I am, Teal’c.’ Sam said confidently, not wanting to consider the alternative herself. Her stomach rumbled loudly and she winced apologetically. She had forgotten to eat.

‘I will accompany you to the commissary.’ Teal’c announced.

Sam smiled. ‘Sounds like a good idea.’ She said ruefully.

Teal’c inclined his head. ‘I am certain Colonel O’Neill will not forgive me if I failed to ensure you obtained sustenance.’ He teased gently.

‘Indeed.’ Sam quipped lightly.

Teal’c stopped her just before they left the lab.

She held up a hand to ward off the words of thanks. ‘There’s no need to say anything, Teal’c.’

Teal’c nodded in quiet satisfaction. ‘Indeed.’

o-O-o

Jack woke on the second day to find himself alone in the tent he shared with Daniel. He swore roundly. The other man had obviously sneaked away early. He dressed hurriedly and went in search of him. An hour later, Jack concluded that Daniel was no longer in the settlement but he figured he knew where the other man had gone.

It took time to pack up and organise the transport – a lumbering yak-like creature indigenous to Abydos – and it took longer to travel across the dunes to the caves where he and Daniel had been hidden when the Abydonians had saved them from Ra. He shook off the dust and headed into the caves. He could see the flickering light of a fire ahead and it reassured him that his guess had been right.

He stood in the entrance and felt his heartbeat calm at the sight of Daniel, alive and well, sat staring into the fire. He made his way over to the other man and sat down beside him. Hours passed as they sat in silence, watching the fire. Jack would occasionally get up to tend it; he made them coffee and soup which Daniel accepted without a word, locked inside his bubble of grief. As night fell, they slept in the caves without saying a word to each other.

When Jack woke, he found Daniel already awake and staring at him. Jack blinked heavily and dragged a hand over his face to rub the sleep from his eyes. ‘What?’ He croaked grumpily.

‘I didn’t understand.’ Daniel said quietly.

‘What?’ Jack repeated, shoving off the ground into a sitting position and making a grab for the blankets that covered him. It was cool; the fire was almost out. He picked up a stick and poked it.

‘Why you didn’t want to live.’ Daniel answered.

Jack paused briefly before he continued stoking the fire into a cheery blaze.

‘I mean, when I lost my parents, I never thought about dying myself.’ Daniel continued in the same casual tone of voice as though he were discussing the weather. ‘I didn’t want to join them; I wanted them back.’ He looked down into the fire. ‘It hurt but it didn’t hurt this much.’

Jack kept quiet.

‘I think,’ Daniel said absently, ‘that it’s because you expect your parents to die; there’s a natural order, isn’t there? They’re the past; your history and it’s sad and you miss them, you really miss them, but their legacy is you so they live on; they’re not really gone, gone.’ He plucked nervously at his robe. ‘Not like losing a child. They’re your future; your hope; your dreams. That’s why it hurts more when they die. All of that hope and promise is gone forever.’

A ripple of pain travelled through Jack. ‘Yeah.’ He agreed softly.

‘And a wife.’ Daniel swallowed hard. ‘A lover. They’re your present; the here and now of your existence. They’re a part of you and when they’re gone, it’s like that part of you is ripped out and…’ a sob tore through him and strangled his voice. His head fell into his hands and he rocked back and forth helplessly against the wave of grief. ‘I don’t want to live; it hurts too much.’

Jack shuffled across the dusty floor and pulled Daniel into a hug. The younger man curled up on Jack’s chest and wept. It was a long time before Daniel pulled away and hunted for a tissue. Jack pulled out the pack he carried and tossed them at the archaeologist.

‘Thanks.’ Daniel avoided Jack’s eyes.

‘I’ll make us something to eat.’ Jack said quietly. He rustled up some soup from the rations he’d brought with him and handed a tin cup filled to the brim to the younger man.

Daniel took a hesitant sip before he began to eat in earnest; suddenly hungry.

‘More?’ Jack asked delicately when Daniel finished.

Daniel nodded and Jack refilled the cup before he settled back to finish his own.

‘I’m sorry.’ Daniel said quietly.

‘What for?’ Jack asked surprised at the apology.

‘Running out on you.’ Daniel said. He lifted his repentant gaze to meet Jack’s. ‘Blubbing all over you.’

‘You’re allowed.’ Jack said.

Daniel shook his head. ‘I think on some level I always knew it would end like this, like I’ve been expecting this ever since Apophis took Sha’re.’ He took another sip of his soup. ‘I just hoped…’

‘We all did, Daniel.’ Jack said comfortingly.

‘I really loved her, you know.’ Daniel murmured.

‘She really loved you too.’ Jack replied.

‘Yeah,’ Daniel’s wan face brightened, ‘she really did.’ His brow creased in confusion. ‘I never understood why.’

‘Beats me.’ Jack agreed cheerfully.

Daniel gave a short laugh.

Jack wrapped his hands around his tin mug. ‘Who knows why any woman ever loves us back. It’s one of the great mysteries of life, Daniel.’ He gazed into the soup. ‘Sometimes we just get incredibly lucky.’

Daniel regarded him thoughtfully.

‘What?’ asked Jack, slightly disconcerted at the knowing look in the other man’s eyes.

‘Nothing.’ Daniel said sadly. ‘I was just thinking.’ He put his tin mug down. ‘I should head back to the settlement and spend some time with Kasuf.’

‘I think he’d like that.’ Jack agreed. ‘I’ll, uh, head home. I should see how Carter and Teal’c are doing.’ He caught the wince Daniel tried to hide. ‘Teal’c did do the right thing.’

‘I know.’ Daniel said defensively. ‘But knowing it and feeling it…’

‘I thought Sha’re wanted you to forgive him.’ Jack pointed out. ‘Wasn’t that part of her message?’

Daniel nodded.

Jack frowned suddenly. ‘How did she know?’

‘Know what?’ Daniel asked.

‘That Teal’c would kill her.’ Jack said.

‘I don’t know.’ Daniel muttered sharply. ‘I was a little distracted getting my brain fried at the time.’

Jack held up a hand in wordless apology.

‘You don’t really believe the message, do you?’ Daniel asked tiredly.

‘I don’t know, Daniel.’ Jack shifted restlessly. ‘I just don’t see how Sha’re got past Ammonet to send it.’

‘She was strong, Jack. That’s all.’ Daniel answered automatically rising in defence of his late wife.

‘Maybe.’ Jack allowed. He finished his soup in one long gulp. ‘Come on. You can help me pack.’

The two men busied themselves with the packing before Daniel accompanied Jack to the pyramid.

‘Thanks for…’ Daniel gestured awkwardly as Jack sent his IDC.

Jack shrugged away the younger man’s gratitude. ‘You’ll be OK?’ He asked as he secured his GDO in his pocket.

Daniel nodded, folding his arms around his torso. ‘I’ll be back.’

‘I’ll hold you to that.’ Jack patted Daniel’s shoulder and made for the Stargate.

o-O-o

Five days later, Daniel stood in his office and looked around at the familiar shelves. He couldn’t help feeling disconnected to it all, he mused. The artefacts and ancient books didn’t seem to hold the same fascination to him like they usually did. The stack of work that had accumulated while he had been away was piled on one of the side benches. He didn’t feel his usual eagerness or enthusiasm to begin delving into what he had missed. He gave a sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. He could admit to himself that if it hadn’t been for Sha’re’s message, he would probably follow the route his dream had taken and leave the SGC. Maybe not forever but for a little while…

His eyes fell to the wicker basket on the desk in front of him and he opened it up. He picked up a small cup and turned it over in his hands reverently.

‘Hey.’ Jack sauntered into the office with a hesitant smile. ‘I just wanted to see how you were doing.’

‘Good.’ Daniel caught the sceptical look Jack shot him and gave a rueful grimace. ‘OK.’ He corrected. He turned the cup he held in his hands and gestured with it as Jack walked round to stand beside him. The Colonel picked up a dish inquisitively.

‘Kasuf sent me some of Sha’re’s things after the funeral.’ Daniel explained. ‘He said that, um, well, he said that she would have wanted me to have them.’ His gaze dropped to the cup in his hands. ‘We both drank from this cup at our wedding.’

‘I remember.’ Jack said softly.

Daniel nodded. He shook his head, fighting back another sudden impulse to cry. ‘I know I shouldn’t have had any real hope but I…’

‘Hey.’ Jack chided him firmly. ‘You could never give up.’

‘How about now?’ Daniel asked, refusing to look at the military man.

‘Especially not now.’ Jack said calmly. ‘Sha’re didn’t want you to just give up, did she?’

Daniel frowned in confusion and finally met Jack’s warm, brown gaze. ‘I thought you said you didn’t believe me about Sha’re sending me the message through the hand device?’

‘I didn’t exactly say that.’ Jack retorted.

He knew the Colonel was expecting him to argue about it but Daniel couldn’t muster the energy. He decided on a change in subject. ‘So, General Hammond said you guys were off world helping SG8 when I arrived back.’

‘Yeah,’ Jack sighed and leaned on the bench, ‘they ran into some trouble.’ He gestured with a pot. ‘What is this?’

Before Daniel could reply, there was a knock on the open door and Sam crossed the room swiftly to hug him.

‘It’s good to have you back.’ Sam said as she released him.

He nodded, unable to confirm her sentiment; he really didn’t want to be back – he wanted to be somewhere, anywhere else.

‘You hungry?’ Jack asked. ‘We kind of missed lunch what with having to rescue SG8’s butts.’

Sam bit her lip to stop from smiling at Jack’s bald description of their mission.

‘I could eat.’ Daniel agreed. He carefully placed the cup and pot Jack had picked up back into the basket and closed it. He shifted it to the side bench where it would be safe before he joined Sam and Jack in the corridor. Jack pressed the button to call the elevator.

‘Why don’t you kids go ahead?’ Jack said casually. ‘I’ll grab Teal’c.’

‘He said he was going to watch the sunset.’ Sam reminded him quietly.

Daniel made his decision abruptly. ‘I’ll go.’

‘That’s…’ Jack began.

‘I’ll go.’ Daniel insisted. ‘We’ll see you in the mess.’ He left before they could argue about it, eschewing the elevator for the stairs. He refused to think about what he would say to Teal’c; he knew he had to say something but he just had no idea what it would be.

He found himself outside the base sooner than he anticipated. He hovered outside by the door for a long moment until the curious stare of the SF made him move self-consciously away toward the rock where Teal’c sat looking at the setting sun.

Teal’c’s surprise flickered through the dark depths of his eyes. ‘Daniel Jackson.’

Daniel sat down beside the Jaffa. ‘I hope I’m not disturbing you.’

‘You are not.’ Teal’c confirmed.

‘I had a lot of time to think about everything, Teal’c, on Abydos,’ Daniel wet his lips, ‘and I, uh, I was thinking about something Jack said to me before he left.’

Teal’c waited patiently for Daniel to continue.

‘He asked me how Sha’re knew I would need to forgive you.’ Daniel explained. ‘I couldn’t answer him. I remember entering the tent. I remember begging Sha’re not to…use the hand device. I remember staring up at her and seeing Ammonet and…I can’t remember when you came in.’

‘You were already in the grip of the hand device when I entered.’ Teal’c commented.

‘I don’t understand then.’ Daniel admitted. ‘How did she know?’ He sighed. ‘Maybe I did imagine it all.’

‘You experienced your dream before I shot Ammonet.’ Teal’c pointed out. ‘You could also not know that I would do so ahead of my action.’

Daniel pulled a face. ‘That doesn’t help, Teal’c.’

Teal’c recalled the event reluctantly. ‘Perhaps…there was a moment when I first entered when I believed Ammonet acknowledged my presence, yet she refused to release you despite my arrival.’ He frowned heavily.

‘So, maybe she registered you which is how Sha’re knew it would be you.’ Daniel theorised out loud. ‘It still doesn’t explain how she knew you would kill her.’

‘Ammonet was well aware of my reputation as the First Prime of Apophis.’ Teal’c reminded him.

‘But she couldn’t be certain of it.’ Daniel argued. ‘You could have just injured her.’

Teal’c tilted his head, captured by the thoughtful expression on the archaeologist’s face. ‘Something is bothering you, Daniel Jackson.’

‘Yeah.’ Daniel shifted uncomfortably on the rock. He sighed. ‘Kasuf told me that Ammonet made him send the message to us.’ His eyes snapped to Teal’c’s. ‘I don’t want to tell the others. They’d have to report it and…’ he left unspoken his fear it would mean the military wouldn’t offer support to the Abydonians in future.

Teal’c nodded understandingly. ‘It was a trap.’

‘But why?’ Daniel asked. ‘The Stargate was left unguarded, even Jack said the guards were sloppy at the encampment before we attacked.’

‘They were exceptionally…sloppy.’ Teal’c agreed, struggling with the description. ‘But I believe it was the intended strategy to trap us by the encampment with the battalion she had hidden.’ He looked at Daniel. ‘You have an alternate theory.’

‘I can’t help but think about Kendra.’

‘The former host we encountered on Cimmeria.’ Teal’c remembered.

‘She told me how she tricked the Goa’uld into going to Cimmeria and I just…I thought, maybe…’

‘Sha’re had tricked Ammonet in a similar way.’ Teal’c completed.

Daniel nodded. ‘I know it’s a long shot but I can’t help thinking I’m right.’ He crossed his arms over his chest and stared out into the lilac sky. ‘All she wanted was my promise to protect the boy.’

‘A mother’s instinct.’ Teal’c murmured.

‘Exactly.’ Daniel agreed passionately, gesturing at the Jaffa. He turned to face him excitedly. ‘I think Sha’re realised that Ammonet had worked out where the boy was and when she went to Abydos started to whisper that Ammonet should make us and the Abydonians pay for hiding the child from her.’

‘A sentiment that would appeal to Ammonet.’ Teal’c confirmed.

‘But it was a ploy to get us there so Sha’re could tell me where Ammonet had sent the boy.’ Daniel sighed and took off his glasses to rub at his eyes.

‘It is possible.’ Teal’c said. ‘It does not explain how Sha’re was able to give the message to you without alerting Ammonet.’

‘You agree with Jack?’ Daniel asked tentatively. ‘That Sha’re wouldn’t be able to get past her?’

Teal’c inclined his head. ‘I have seen a mother protecting her children assume the strength of ten men. If Sha’re truly considered the child her own then perhaps such a feat is not impossible.’

Daniel nodded satisfied with Teal’c’s explanation. ‘I think so too.’ He sighed again. ‘I hope I’m right, Teal’c.’

‘The thought brings you comfort.’ Teal’c realised.

‘Yes.’ Daniel agreed. ‘It helps thinking she gave her life to save the boy.’ He looked down at the ground.

‘I am…’

‘You don’t have to apologise again, Teal’c.’ Daniel cut him off bluntly. ‘I think you were right; I think Sha’re knew when you entered the tent you would have to kill Ammonet and I think she wanted it in some ways. I think when she told me to forgive you, she was hoping you would kill her.’ He pulled a face. ‘I think she wanted to be free of the demon.’

‘I still regret that I was unable to save Sha’re and return her to you.’ Teal’c stated softly.

Daniel replaced his glasses and held the Jaffa’s remorseful gaze. ‘You did the right thing.’ As he said the words, he felt the truth of them for the first time and he laid a hand on Teal’c’s shoulder, forgiving his friend as the last of the sunlight faded. ‘You did the right thing.’

fin.